Is It Time for a Relationship Check-Up?
Life is so busy!
Couples often move through each day crossing things off lists, completing tasks, and moving from one thing to another. We might briefly check in with our partners or spouses in the morning or at dinnertime, but it’s important to take time for meaningful checkups. These aren’t just opportunities to manage conflict, they’re also chances to acknowledge successes and thank each other for things that often go overlooked. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman provide a guide for how to navigate these checkups.
Acknowledge five things your partner did that you appreciate. Start the meeting off with this one, and share what personality trait you appreciate about your partner. For example, “I really appreciate how thoughtful you were when you made me coffee this morning.”
Recognize what’s going right in the relationship. Have an open discussion together about what’s been working or what has improved. For example, perhaps the kids’ schedules have changed and you both needed to rearrange your schedules to get them to practices on time. Or maybe you’ve both been taking a break from your phones at night to reconnect. This is the time to recognize the progress and reiterate what you’re doing well.
Choose an issue to discuss or process mistakes. Conflict is inevitable and healthy for a relationship when handled constructively and without contempt. To maintain a constructive tone, the Gottmans recommend attuning to each other. Attuning involves taking turns being the speaker and the listener. When it’s your turn to be the speaker, express your feelings without blame or criticism. Speak from feelings and needs. For example, “I am feeling tired and overwhelmed from cooking each night this week. I need us to come up with a plan for next week where we share the cooking.” When it’s your turn to listen, engage in non-defensive listening, in which you listen without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame.
Ask each other, “What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?” End your checkup by sharing one thing your partner can do for you to foster connectedness. Be specific and share what this looks like. This might sound like, “One thing you can do this week is sit on the porch each morning before work and have a cup of coffee with me.”
When couples engage in the checkup each week, they hold space for each person to feel heard and appreciated in the relationship. Conflict gets cleared away and resentment is released. Commit to one month of weekly checkups and see what it does for your relationship.