Mistakes We Make During Conflict
How many times have you and your partner had the same argument over and over again? For so many of us, we relive disagreements countless times, often amping up the intensity each time we engage. According to psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman, this repetition and lack of progress causes relationship gridlock and may symbolize a profound difference between you and your partner’s personality and lifestyle preferences.
The good news is that these differences don’t mean the end of the relationship. By avoiding some common mistakes couples make during conflict, you can repair and rebuild.
Mistake = “You need to change!”
When emotions are high and our feelings are hurt, it’s common to point out what someone else is doing wrong without looking at our own shortcomings. Highlighting our partner’s faults will not result in change, but instead fuel defensiveness and even cause retaliation. Instead, try to see the situation from your partner’s perspective. You don’t have to fully agree with how they see it, but understanding where they’re coming from will start to relieve some of the pressure and open avenues of communication. We all want to be seen and heard, and your partner is no different.
Mistake = Upping the Anti with Volume
Louder isn’t always better, especially during conflict. Yelling during conflict can be considered an adult tantrum and actually hinders others from hearing your point. When we resort to yelling, we’re actually moving farther and farther away from what started the conflict to begin with and wasting energy. Taking deep breaths, staying calm, and maintaining a respectful volume help foster a meaningful conversation instead of a screaming match.
Mistake = Run and Chase
Eventually, one partner will shut down, disengage, or agree for the sake of ending the conflict (but actually building resentment). When one partner does this, the other will often feel ignored or patronized and pursue the other partner. This push and pull is a never-ending game. Instead of shutting down or chasing our partner through the argument, agree on a period of time to separate and decompress, then come back together and start again.
Notice when these three mistakes show up during your next moment of conflict. Consider that both you and your partner are right and shift your perspective to, “What can we do differently?” Answering that question together and committing to change can help us meet our partner’s needs and also feel seen and heard.