Turning Towards versus Turning Away

The “50% divorce rate” statistic has been thrown around for years, but what if there was a more accurate data point that showed what successful couples are doing to make their relationships last? Dr. John Gottman studied couples for six years after they got married and found that they were much better at one thing than couples who separated, turning towards instead of turning away from each other. In fact, according to the Gottman Institute, 86% of couples who stayed together turned towards and couples that divorced only did so 33% of the time.

So, what is turning toward and turning away? We make bids towards our partners every single day. Dr. Gottman identifies a bid as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids range widely from a smile or a glance to an ask for help. Our lives are busy, and with the endless distractions throughout each day, we all miss bids. The successful couples, however, make a conscious an effort to recognize their partner’s bids and make bids as well.

Turning towards a bid can look like showing interest in something your partner is doing. It can also look like acknowledging a heavy sigh after work by asking about their day or greeting them with a hug. Missing a bid can be disappointing for your partner and missing many bids can build resentment over time. Intentional rejection of a bid can be devastating and hurtful. The more often both partners make bids and turn towards each other builds increased trust, intimacy, and connection.

The first way to start turning towards your partner is by paying attention. You will start to notice both what your partner is saying, but also what they aren’t saying. The subtext, such as tone or body language, is equally important. Don’t be afraid to ask what your partner needs or how you can help. It’s ok to say something like, “I am making a bid for affection.” You and your partner will be on the same page with the bid and increase the familiarity of turning towards versus turning away. Pause, look, listen, and turn towards to build connection within your relationship