Perpetual Problems: Are You Just Spinning Your Wheels?

Conflict is inevitable, especially when managing hectic schedules, work demands, and stressors such as financial strain, family dynamics, or caring for aging parents. While we can’t eliminate conflict, we can understand more about how we show up in moments of conflict, particularly with our partner. If we understand our defaults in habits, we can learn to implement antidotes and reduce or even eliminate harmful effects on our relationships.

It’s important to first identify whether a problem is solvable or perpetual. Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman from The Gottman Institute have conducted extensive research with couples over four decades and report that approximately 70% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. These perpetual problems are rooted in each person’s fundamental differences and perspectives; they feel like they will never be solved. When couples focus on perpetual problems, they enter gridlock and eventually engage in emotional disengagement. It can feel like we are constantly spinning our wheels!

One way to reduce the effects of perpetual problems is engage in dialogue about the underlying issues that hide beneath the perpetual problem. For example, a couple might repeatedly argue about how much money one partner spends on groceries and dining out every week. By engaging in open dialogue without trying to solve the problem or repeating the same arguments over and over, the couple might come to realize the food purchases are rooted in a childhood of neglect and a lack of resources. The Gottman Method encourages partners to develop skills for navigating conflict by enhancing a couples’ friendship to create shared meaning, which includes shared goals, symbols, and rituals.

According to The Gottman Institute, what matters is not solving perpetual problems, but rather the way in which they are discussed. The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement. This approach can help reduce gridlock and resentment. Stop spinning your wheels! Instead of insisting on solving perpetual problems, pause and engage in open, honest dialogue with your partner.