An Open Letter to Fathers

“The bro vote: Trump and Harris duel over what it means to be a man in America”. In the same month, a different publication went with, “The Crisis of Men and Boys”, while yet a third stated “Today’s Parents: Exhausted, Burned Out, and Perpetually Behind”. Indeed, it seems we needn’t look far to find media coverage informing us about the plight of the modern man. In a time when we’ve never been more inundated with on-brand messaging about what must be wrong, it can be helpful to reflect upon masculinity and fatherhood with an open mind and an even-keeled perspective.

Across cultures, differences between thresholds for emotional activation, social perception about emotional expression, language used to identify feelings, and valuations of varying emotions have all been found to significantly impact the male emotional experience. In other words, as men, a large contributor to our mental health is how the people around us feel about our feelings. Two explanations attempting to account for a majority of these difficulties have become popular, and have received more pointed attention in recent literature: men’s inability to understand their emotions, and a general inability to express those emotions honestly and effectively.

For many men, the life transition in becoming new fathers can be a uniquely challenging experience. With all the beauty and joy and excitement often come financial stressors, loss of sleep, decreased feelings of independence, and role uncertainty. Men in counseling often discuss struggling with wanting to feel closer to both wives and children, but feeling overburdened with job-related stress, and the negative feedback loop that leads to feeling unsuccessful across both job and family.

Despite open and authentic pushes in the right direction, the stigma against men admitting problems and seeking help is alive and well.  In general, compared to their wives, men are far more likely to deny, hide, or otherwise refuse to acknowledge persistent struggles with their mental health.  Expectations to develop and conform to traditional masculine values play a large role in maintaining this façade, and ultimately leads to men burying their problems down deeper, where they can wreak real havoc.  As a result, males are more likely than females to be diagnosed with “externalizing disorders”, like Conduct Disorder and Substance Abuse, than “internalizing disorders”, like Anxiety and Depression. They are also more likely to receive ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder diagnoses, and as a whole, to score lower on standardized tests.  If you’ve ever experienced anxiousness or depressive feelings, you know how debilitating they can be.  But you’re not alone, and you don’t have to struggle with them in silence.

If you’ve never taken the time to sit with your spouse and talk about your priorities for each other and for your children, it’s quite possible you’re missing out on some vital information.  The state of your physical health, mental well-being, marriage, and family are all connected.  Keeping your diet clean, strength training, and being intentional about the time you spend working and the time you spend with your family can all go a long way to maintaining your day-to-day mood.  Pushing through uncomfortable barriers will help you continue to grow as a father, and discipline will be your best friend, supporting you every step of the way.  All men struggle with different things at different times, but denial and a lack of ownership from fathers only allows those struggles to be passed down to their children.  Solidarity with each other and commitment to healthy growth are some of the most worthwhile investments a man can make. 

Upholding your duties as a strong husband and a loving father go far beyond providing financial support for your family.  Nurturing independence in your children requires balancing patient support and guidance with firm limit-setting and accountability. Be honest with yourself, your significant other, and your children about how and when you experience disappointment, frustration, and anger.  What you do with those emotions matters.   How you teach your children to cope with these things matters.  And perhaps most importantly, having the hard conversations you don’t want to have matters.